Dear Wife,
I’m leaving you. After seven years of marriage, I have nothing to show for it. Today I learned you quit your job, and that was the final straw.

Last week, I got a haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and wore new silk boxers—you didn’t notice any of it. You barely spoke to me,

went to bed, and haven’t shown love or interest in a long time. Maybe you’re cheating, or just don’t care anymore. Either way, I’m done.

Your ex-husband
P.S. Don’t look for me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia.

Dear Ex-Husband,
Thanks for your letter—it made my day. You say you were a good man? Watching TV was the only way to block out your whining.

I noticed your haircut—you looked like a girl, so I stayed quiet. You cooked pork, which I haven’t eaten

in years, and your boxers still had a $49.99 tag—the same amount my sister borrowed that morning.

Despite it all, I still loved you. I quit my job because I hit the lottery and bought us tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.

Turns out, everything happens for a reason. My lawyer says your letter ensures you won’t see a cent.

Take care.